I WONDER IF the reason people tend to judge an entire person as bad if they do one bad thing is because we fear that our personalities are a farce, making all good acts contrived therefore worthless, or if it’s really because the only thing Scarier Than death is fully giving ourselves to someone else then finding out they’re not who we thought we were, and we project this anxiety onto others by expecting them to be perfect? Need to know the answer quick you guys this is my password recovery question for Hustler.com
image macro by evanleed
When God closes a door He opens a window. Then He opens several dozen tabs in that window and He spends His day idly clicking around blogs and social media sites while experiencing a vague feeling that He could be doing something better with His life.
He tries not to read comments on articles, not because people constantly misinterpret or trash Him, but because He is aware that despite all their appeals to morality or logic, everything everybody says boils down to “I am lonely,” or, “I am sad.”
He is a victim of the modern condition.
Somebody should ask Him to hang out sometime, to go rollerblading or bowling, even though He is not very good at either. He won’t perform miracles, unless you count how He never remembers to pay back that 20 bucks He owes you, but He’s still a pretty Cool Dude.
God often wonders why adult videos are always fully enabled for cross platform social media sharing because who would “like” their weird porn on Facebook. Who would share it with their Google+ circles. He wonders who would Digg smut. He sometimes thinks it would be funny if He did that because nothing really matters anyway.
He is the ultimate hipster. Not because He was into literally everything before everyone else, but because He can only relate to the world through a thick wall of irony, and because He has never had a job.
He resents that it took a generic early 90s pop song for people to finally start identifying with Him. He also feels that He is only a stranger on the bus because He has been dealt a bad hand and He could do so much more if people only knew. The last time the Pope called on the phone He didn’t answer because are there people who still really talk on the phone these days?
He is the ultimate hipster. Not because of His gnarly baby-blue fixed gear, but because He is an easy target for the unimaginative who prefer to blame others rather than deal with their problems like adults.
He enjoys websites like Clients From Hell and He identifies with freelancers whose friends take advantage of their skills with very little appreciation for how taxing the creative process can be. He is sick of athletes asking Him to help them win sporting events for low pay or even just “credit”.
God thinks that believing in Richard Dawkins is representative of a backwards and closed-minded mentality.
He is not dead but the older He gets the more he is aware that some day He will die and the pressure to do something with His life is even greater.
God is a white dude so He is a bad dancer.
image macro by evanleed
feel strong right now. feel like a bear. feel like i could hug the living shit out of any one of you. feel rare and wonderful. feel like if i wanted something i’d be willing to pursue it on land, in water, and up a tree at speeds faster than humans can flee. feel like a very hairy middle aged gay man
Don’t understand why “nothing matters anyway” is always used as a defense for being an asshole. If nothing matters why not be good / of benefit to other people. Also don’t understand why “the end justifies the means” is always used to rationalize horrible behavior. Why not the reverse. Why not say I made sacrifices and struggled to not be a piece of shit so things would be better. Also don’t understand why chick peas aren’t called nutsack peas. Why not call them that from now on.
COOL TRAVEL TIP: Borders are imaginary bullshit and people are pretty much the same everywhere you go.
I don’t think I’ve ever posted a “RIP” to anyone but I also think, surprisingly, Roger Ebert might have been the most influential person of all on who I am today. Fourteen years ago when I had no what the hell I wanted to do with myself I came across his website and spent a year watching two movies a day, seeing everything he talked about, and then I knew what I wanted to do with my life was make film. Movies matter to me more than any other art form and I doubt I would have found half of the ones I love so much if it weren’t for him. Since he got sick I often thought about what I would do when he dies because how would I know what to see. How to conclude this? Maybe a dumb joke: “Forty million thumbs down.” - Shiva, reviewing Roger Ebert’s death.
When people I idolize die I feel very angry about life and I want to feel that way now, but then I see those photos of Ebert after he got cancer and even when staring mortality in its filthy gaping maw that dude has a deranged smile like he is the happiest motherfucker that ever lived and that is fucking amazing.
Tonight is a good night to watch a movie that makes you happy. I am going to watch La Dolce Vita. (if you’re getting sick of Ebert posts there’s probably going to be more so all you haters can make like a slinky and get bent)
my heart is a level of Doom and my blood doesn’t have the red key
there are parts of my body that i lack the vocabulary to talk about in a serious and non-joking way and that means there is some kind of shame which is greater than the ocean
the first time i ever “broke my dick off” in an ass was the last time i was ever allowed near a donkey
thinking about “web presence”. how does one get it.
i dont want to be a failure and i dont want to put work out there that people won’t see. whats the best way to do this.
what are the steps.
i want to be multinational and exploitative. i will be valuable when i lose a lawsuit for more money than most people ever make
“prostitute so good i feel validated”
validate my parking and my existence
during my oil change talk to me about how my motives are good and its OKAY that i have no output
charge me too much for brakes and tell me i’m a great writer
my whole life is based around getting way too excited whenever anybody talks to me for a while then back-justifying it into an “amazing experience”
i now understand that travel writing is
writing about things you are certain don’t matter because you’re more certain they do
i am propelled by the force of strong emotion right now but there is no emotion that smothers me back into the dust
death is like opening your fridge. you see yourself on the back of a milk carton. you take it out and start to say “oh fuck” but you turn around and a staggering light vaporizes you
“im pretty sure i can tell its not butter, but i cannot tell whether i really love you or i only love you to not feel alone”
i am learning to do what i want by pretending a great deal of people don’t exist